Welcome...
to the crazy planet of my mind
The word is immensely powerful. It can evoke emotions not easily expressed. This power can access malicious intent or remarkable sadness. One word can inspire joy, and many words stringed together can arouse a special kind of bliss.
DP
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I cannot grieve…
I cannot grieve because I am stuffing my feelings I can’t grieve because there is no space for me Grieving is essential to growth, but I can’t grieve because… I’m too fat life is not making room for me I am being micromanaged and second guest at every turn I cannot grieve because I am too strong and I always have to be strong I cannot grieve because there are small joys sprinkled between death Is this my life, the life where either I am lonely or I am extremely lonely Emotion is caught in my throat yet again and discomfort rules I can’t grieve because there is no resolve I can’t grieve because I am middle aged I can’t grieve in the daily anxiety of living in this world She told me, don’t screw it up by getting in your head But she did not tell me this path would be paved with so much pain I wasn’t told that my feelings, thoughts and action would no longer matter My existence is to slave… I cannot grieve Thanksgiving: The most overlooked holiday and one of the only holidays in which there are no gifts or candy to be had, but rather the gift should be the expression of appreciation for the people and comforts we have in this life.
While society is rushing about, putting the individual needs ahead of our communities, we are missing the point. One of the greatest gifts we need right now is healing. We need to acknowledge the pains life has revealed to us over the last few years (and throughout our lives) and we need to be thankful for those of us who came through to the other side, scars and all. We need to express gratitude to our families and the people we “care for”. Life has not been easy and that is okay. The opportunity for growth and choice presents itself when confronted with difficult paths. We can choose to bath in the old responses that lead to wars and hatred or marinate in contemplation that there just might be a better way. I write these words for all of us. There is always more. Gratitude does not escape me. Thank you! What is the balance of love and self-respect?
Between owning the damaged child within and communicating our emotions in an adult context? Balance of fun & laughter vs. serious & somber? As an only child I internalize everything, EVERYTHING…. Today the lack of sleep and waking at 4am leaves me feeling like a zombie. My thought process less clear. My emotion tolerance close to non-existing. I want to cry but the energy in doing so makes me feel more exhausted. I have delusions of being a bad person when I know I am not. There is a lot of noise right now…
Today I had a revelation about my whole existence. I realized that I have been carrying the emotional weight of my mother. My rounded shoulders, limp from baring unprocessed sentiments, which were never mine to begin with. Of course, I own the stories that have morphed into great deceptions that have led me down a dark path of unworthiness. But today a brilliant release graces my spirit.
I was under a spell, a grand lie that my father never wanted or loved me. The reality is he did love me in the way he knew how… from afar. Protecting himself from the passionate, yet difunctional bond he shared with the woman I call mom. There is no fault here. I am not blaming anyone. However I am celebrating a gentle emancipation from the sorrow I have sustained for so very long. I have been chasing the sun and searching for my place on this earth. Listening to conversations of how one group of people has it harder than others… I want to challenge you to consider that every human has a path of some difficult and some not so difficult times, but pain should never be compared. Pain is a part of being human, as is the contrast.
Returning from deviation of my previous statement… I have been chasing the sun because I have felt a lack of joy recently. I think because the suffering we have collectively experienced since March of 2020 has finally caught up with me. I want to take all the volatility of my emotions and push them on to someone else. But I can’t. I’ve tried that in my youth and to doesn’t work out for anyone, so instead I stuff my emotions deep in the belly of my being. I stuff the injustices and the hatred and the unworthiness and the disappointment and the prolonged fear. I stuff it deep within my core. And more troubling is I will take all your foul sentiments, those unwanted feeling that you project on others, I will carry those feelings for you, along with my own, so that you don’t have to, and I will stuff them down too. This is why I keep my circle small. I digress once more. So back to the message. February 2020. Plans made and plans broken. I allowed myself to once again be disrespected and in a place of sever sadness I met the match to my low energy. It was exciting at first and then two weeks later the world slowed and a week after that it halted. What followed was death and loss and projected fear (internally and externally). From the solitude of my space, I experienced the death of my fragmented family members without the option to pay my respects. I watch the horror of black and brown bodies, Asian and other non-white beings publicly (and still being) lynched, brutalized and mutilated. I absorbed all of this into the already dense pockets of stored disappointments. I had a front row seat to solitude. I felt unsupported in the small areas of human connection that remained. As I sat on the deck chair this afternoon letting the sun warm my cheeks while the wind aggressively cuddled my density, I reflected on all the disconnects and highlighted fears we have experience over the past two plus years. Over the past two years the loss and regret and mistakes and failure play over and over. The 45 years of failures sing to me in my abundance of alone time. I have been afraid to step out in the world. There is this yin and yang of wanting closeness but not feeling safe to make connections. I question the connection of those closest to me. I could drift and no one would notice. Overworked and feeling unsafe I have suffocated the emotions of my own anxieties, as well as those who were supposed to love me. I have been stuffing feelings for so long I have reached the point of physical and mental exhaustion. The numbness has taken hold and I have been fighting to find any small bit of joy. The lack of sunshine has prolonged these feelings and that is what led me to seek it. I’m trying to peel off the layers of uncertainty and discomfort and the feeling of being overworked and underappreciated and feeling of astronomical fear that is ingrained in my black body. The blessings arise when I consider those who have and continue to share their friendship with me and from the new friendships being formed and from the new environment I find myself in where there is a strong consideration for inclusion and from my mother and from my Sauvi. I want to find my way back to myself and to find joy and that “wanting” is enough for now. Writing is a discipline, one that often escapes me. This morning I attended a virtual writing's group. I found it hard to connect to the prompted subjects and in the end we were given a few minutes to write about gratitude. Here is what I wrote, Interpret as you will...
"Gratitude: We have survived and are still surviving this disconnected and uncomfortable fracture in our society. To be grateful, what does that mean? Does it mean being thankful for all the dark moment over the past two years where we have pulled ourselves out of the sludge of profound loneliness? Is it the light of supreme conflict that lead some down the path to realizations of dismantling bonds and rebuilding self-discovery? Is it the un-shadowed hatred, the reveal of imperfections or the phobia of the potential beauty in a nonviolent existence?" It’s been awhile. I can recognize that I can only sustain so long without being creative. There is a shift happening and I’ve been trapped in the dysfunction of society, trying to absorb all the pain.
Insane, I know but that is the nature of my soul for those who get close to enough to see. I have been numbing…
In the beginning of this current state of physical distancing I was worried but the idea of spending a few months at home wasn’t so bothersome… But when a few months turned to several and then spanned the holidays things got harder for me. Two weeks before Thanksgiving my oldest habit of stuffing my emotions with food kicked in. I ate every emotion that I had experienced from March 2020… not healthy I know but this is what I have known for a good portion of my life. My body is paying the price for my inability to manage my emotions. After Christmas the food numbing diminished. This was replaced with my 2nd oldest habit. I began numbing with TV. I have watched every show and movie that never interested me. In the past weeks this inability to process my feelings has caught up with me. Anger, sadness, unhappiness, this is what I am now confronted with. When I consider the length of time its been since my last hug with another human being, my eyes start to water. The very thing that reduces stress and anxiety, the simple act of kindness and love eludes me. We are all having very different, yet uncomfortable circumstances with this pandemic. But I encourage you, if you have someone to hug, hug them now, hug them hard, hug them like your life depends on it… because it does. |
AuthorThe Only Child Archives
April 2024
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