Welcome...
to the crazy planet of my mind
I have been chasing the sun and searching for my place on this earth. Listening to conversations of how one group of people has it harder than others… I want to challenge you to consider that every human has a path of some difficult and some not so difficult times, but pain should never be compared. Pain is a part of being human, as is the contrast.
Returning from deviation of my previous statement… I have been chasing the sun because I have felt a lack of joy recently. I think because the suffering we have collectively experienced since March of 2020 has finally caught up with me. I want to take all the volatility of my emotions and push them on to someone else. But I can’t. I’ve tried that in my youth and to doesn’t work out for anyone, so instead I stuff my emotions deep in the belly of my being. I stuff the injustices and the hatred and the unworthiness and the disappointment and the prolonged fear. I stuff it deep within my core. And more troubling is I will take all your foul sentiments, those unwanted feeling that you project on others, I will carry those feelings for you, along with my own, so that you don’t have to, and I will stuff them down too. This is why I keep my circle small. I digress once more. So back to the message. February 2020. Plans made and plans broken. I allowed myself to once again be disrespected and in a place of sever sadness I met the match to my low energy. It was exciting at first and then two weeks later the world slowed and a week after that it halted. What followed was death and loss and projected fear (internally and externally). From the solitude of my space, I experienced the death of my fragmented family members without the option to pay my respects. I watch the horror of black and brown bodies, Asian and other non-white beings publicly (and still being) lynched, brutalized and mutilated. I absorbed all of this into the already dense pockets of stored disappointments. I had a front row seat to solitude. I felt unsupported in the small areas of human connection that remained. As I sat on the deck chair this afternoon letting the sun warm my cheeks while the wind aggressively cuddled my density, I reflected on all the disconnects and highlighted fears we have experience over the past two plus years. Over the past two years the loss and regret and mistakes and failure play over and over. The 45 years of failures sing to me in my abundance of alone time. I have been afraid to step out in the world. There is this yin and yang of wanting closeness but not feeling safe to make connections. I question the connection of those closest to me. I could drift and no one would notice. Overworked and feeling unsafe I have suffocated the emotions of my own anxieties, as well as those who were supposed to love me. I have been stuffing feelings for so long I have reached the point of physical and mental exhaustion. The numbness has taken hold and I have been fighting to find any small bit of joy. The lack of sunshine has prolonged these feelings and that is what led me to seek it. I’m trying to peel off the layers of uncertainty and discomfort and the feeling of being overworked and underappreciated and feeling of astronomical fear that is ingrained in my black body. The blessings arise when I consider those who have and continue to share their friendship with me and from the new friendships being formed and from the new environment I find myself in where there is a strong consideration for inclusion and from my mother and from my Sauvi. I want to find my way back to myself and to find joy and that “wanting” is enough for now.
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AuthorThe Only Child Archives
April 2024
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